What about Dad?
Having been a stay@home dad for our special needs sons for many years, I have a different perspective about autism dads, and (at the risk of appearing to be complaining, bemoaning my lot in life, searching for pity or attention, or feeling unappreciated by my own family, none of which are true) I believe it is time to begin recognizing and addressing the needs and contributions of autism dads.
Day after day on social media we see memes, links to mom-specific pages, t-shirt advertisements, and odes to the super-human moms of special needs children.
I get it.
In most instances, it is the mom who spends the lioness’ share of the time with these children. They need interaction with other mothers, the time away to de-stress and regain some perspective, and frankly, at the risk of being accused of sexism or gender stereotyping, women tend to do a better job getting together to support each other than do men. It is part of their nature.
Think about it.
Compared to the number of organizations dedicated to supporting special needs moms, when was the last time you heard about organizations supporting the dads of special needs children?
When was the last time you saw a meme celebrating the importance of dads in raising special needs children?
How often are the efforts and contributions of dads in raising special needs children celebrated - or even just mentioned - publicly, as are those of moms?
You see, where society assumes that moms need support and encouragement (and rightfully so), it likewise assumes that fathers are these unmoved rocks who silently and solitarily soldier on, neither needing nor desiring the company and input of other men who are faced with the same battles.
In many respects, that is almost unavoidable. Many dads are working during the day. I can't begin to count the many times I took our sons to the playground during the day to find myself the sole father among dozens of mothers, being eyed suspiciously, and having no one with whom to interact because most of the other dads were working. When dads get home at night, they attend to home and vehicle repairs, kids’ activities, or the need to give mom a break. On top of that, what are most other dads doing? The same things. Working during the day, trying to attend to family and projects at night.
So getting together with other dads is incredibly difficult.
And because men are expected by society to be unmoved, unfeeling rocks, there are very few resources dedicated to supporting them. Let’s face it, in recent years society has, in its ongoing war on masculinity, gone out of its way to de-value men in general, dads in particular.
It is time for this to change.
Although schedules make it difficult, as does the natural inclination of many men (reinforced by societal stereotypes about men) to tough out their circumstances by themselves, it is time for the creation of organizations that can address the needs of autism dads, that can help facilitate the camaraderie they need, and help them to understand that they are not alone in this battle for their children. They have questions that need answers, they face battles for which they need resources, and they need to know that their contributions to raising special needs children are important and valued. And at the end of the day, sometimes they, too, just need to get away for a while to unplug.
I have been blessed with a small group of men who, on several occasions, have gone out of their way to provide me with time to just be one of the guys – but not all men have been so blessed. It is time for this to change.
So, with Father's Day approaching, what about dad?
